Communication Matters September 13, 2023
Getting to CALM
I came across an excellent book on parenting called Getting to CALM—cool-headed strate-gies for parenting- Kastner & Wyatt (2009). I have used their CALM mnemonic which can be used with your children, your spouse, your colleagues, and your patients.
To begin, you must tell yourself it is very important for YOU —and you must assign a cer-tain fundamental core value to the idea. This must be a daily pre-game “warm-up” prior to any conflict occurring:
“I am an adult, I need to model adult behavior to my kids”
“I am a professional, I need to show it in my conversations”
“ I want to honor my parents…I want to honor God…I need
to weather the storm with grace.”
Next, recognize that different brains respond differently to different situations based upon genetics and “epi-genetics” —environmental influences which literally shape brain-emo-tion-behavior. Be aware that ALL of us respond emotionally before we respond thought-fully. Those brain connections are literally faster; and you (and the other person) are not to be blamed for the initial emotional explosion in your body. Your amygdala gets hijacked. Also be aware that you do not want your primitive emotion, however “real”, to represent your better self.
STEP ONE : Cool down - do this by not talking and talk a breath and blow it out slowly (this kicks in parasympathetic). If you are too heated, practice the words “I need two minutes to cool off; I will be right back” (This is also great modeling to teach your kids to do when they get angry. You could even try this for no other reason than mod-eling a mature behavior)
STEP TWO: Assess Options— you have held off your amygdala and now you are asking your pre-frontal cortex (executive function) for thoughtful control. You are keeping your voice low and especially slow. You are choosing words very carefully which offer fairness and respect. And now you decide to ask a question of the other instead of giving a mono-logue of what you think. Even better, you ask permission to ask a question. “I would like to ask you a question?” Do not assume. Use words like “appears” or “seems to me”— “You seemed angry. Will you share with me why?”
STEP THREE: Listen with empathy —this may be the most difficult. You have to be authen-tically curious to hear what they have to say. You can not be asking questions with prede-termined “right” answers—or formulating a “win” in your mind while they are speaking. You have to abandon yourself and risk not protecting yourself from harm or defeat. You must not defend the right answer until you have fully embraced theirs. This does not mean you must agree with them—rather you must approach them, hear them and embrace their viewpoint as an authentic perception they have.
STEP FOUR: Make a plan— “I statements” and “we statements” are better than “you state-ments”. “I promise that I will ask you what you would prefer and not just decide for you.” “We have the same goal for you to feel better”. “I am asking you to treat our staff with re-spect without cussing or raising your voice.”